There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
