woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
