I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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