Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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