Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
