I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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