What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
