My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
