This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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