she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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