dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
