How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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