I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
