38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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