We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
