I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
