He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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