first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
