i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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