...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Randomize
