he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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