My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
