and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
