I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
