So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
