he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
