So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
