He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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