I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
