omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
