omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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