At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize