I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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