dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
