Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
