I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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