my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
