The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
