Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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