i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
