you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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