I cannot find my penis.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize