Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
