I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
not ubering you a puppy
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
