Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
