I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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