Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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