He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
