I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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