I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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