You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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