Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize