I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
