Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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