I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
