Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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