hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
