Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
